Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
You can take your skin buffers, face tonics and exfoliaters
and stick them up your arse.
My Paddy can get me that buckshee. 69 quid a bottle.
Must think I was born yesterday.
Come on, Frank. This is us.
Yeah.
Jesus, Frank, did you take a bath in Old Spice?
Whatever happened to the days when public transport
smelt of piss and tobacco? God Almighty.
(Frank) 'This can't last.
'This fucking misery can't last.
'I must remember that and try to control meself.
'There'll come a time in the future when I won't mind about this...
'when I can look back and say, quite peacefully and cheerfully,
'what a complete tit I was.
'But no,
'I don't want that time to come, ever.
'I want to remember every tortuous, arse-clenching, soul-bleeding,
'wonderful fucking minute.
'AIways. Till the end of my days.
'You see,
'I've fallen in love.
'And it hurts. Like someone's taken me bollocks, rolled them in chilli sauce
'and invited them to take up permanent residence in me gut.'
TYRES SQUEAL
Oh, my God.
- You must have been up with the lark. - Haven't been to bed yet.
(Monica) Oh, very thoughtful.
- Er, one more step and it'll be your last. - (Carl) Bloody hell.
- (Liam) It's like a hotel. - (lan) I said you should've told 'em.
- (Carl) What? - Told us what?
Getting ready. We're having guests tomorrow.
What guests?
She's signed up with the church to have foreign students for the week.
- Foreigners? - Church?
- 80 quid a week, each one. - Are we auditioning for the Sound of Music?
Into the living room. Watch out, the floor's just been mopped.
- Not you, you're otherwise occupied. - What?
- Your restart course. - Oh, Deb...
Five days compulsory attendance or you lose your the dole.
You lose your dole, you're out.
- Yeah, I know, but... it's miles away. - It's all in here.
Bus pass, packed lunch, pens. A deal is a deal.
Yeah, yeah, I know... Never let it be said.
I look like a fucking student.
OK, here are the rules. You'd better know them by tomorrow.
She's laminated 'em?
(Debbie) You're not now, nor ever had been, a lesbian.
And you've never been involved in a gender-fluctuant love triangle.
No wanking in the house or within a 50-metre exclusion zone.
Your husband works on an oil rig.
You're in the van temporary till your house is rebuilt after a fire.
No matches, lighters, candles or fireworks.
No discussion of God or lack of. No politics.
So who are they?
Americans. Irish Catholic descent.
There's a party of 27. We've got two.
So where are these American Christians gonna sleep?
I'm not giving up my bed.
(Debbie) You don't have to. lan and Carl are moving out.
Am I fuck!
If this works out, we can host loads. That's more money.
- I'm crashing at The Jockey. - Well, you can move out.
This is as much my house as it is yours.
- Why's this money so important? - Can't tell you.
Fine, your students will need to sleep on the floor, cos I'm not moving.
You have to.
All right. But you've gotta promise.
It's for a holiday for the family.
What the fuck do we want a holiday for?
Because we've never had a proper one. Because just for once,
when people ask, I want to say, yes, we're all booked up for the summer.
Whole family's off to Filey for a week.
- Filey? - Yes, Filey. It's all we can afford.
Don't tell anyone, though. It's a surprise.
I've already put down a deposit. This is for the second instalment.
- 15. - 40.
20. That's my final offer.
It's not going into my pocket, you know.
Shooting pigs in a barrel.
lan, can I crash with you at The Jockey?
Yeah, no problem. You'll have to sleep in the middle, though.
Nah, you're all right.
What's the fucking rush, love? Kendo Nagasaki making a comeback or what?
COUGHS
Jesus wept!
CONTINUES COUGHING
Single to Crumpsall, mate.
Fucking hell. The polar ice caps have got no chance with you.
(Woman) Can I help?
God, I'm like Blunkett without the dog here.
It's a bit of rust, probably, spat out from the tank.
God was a boy when they last updated the bus-stop round here.
Yeah, right.
Keep it.
Thanks.
(Frank) 'And that was the first time I saw her.
'Eyes that invited you to plunge the depths of her feminine soul.
'Mouth that promised more sweet than any wine.
'Should have known then that something had struck.'
Missed you with the napalm this morning, did he?
Not for want of trying.
Sit down.
Thanks.
Rosie Buchan.
Frank Gallagher.
'Don't ask me what we talked about on that journey.
'Nothing of importance.
'The weather, road works, the fully illustrated graffiti
'on the seat in front telling us Marie gives free diddy rides.
'Polite trivia, designed to protect a delicate beginning.'
Hi!
I'm Brandi. This is my brother, Barney.
He doesn't talk much.
Fuckin' hell!
(Brandi) Is everything all right?
Yeah, everything's fine. Just wasn't expecting you so early. Excuse his language.
Yeah, sorry.
Shane McGuire. I think your president's a dick, but I won't hold it against you.
- I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance. - I'm very pleased to meet you too, Shane.
Why don't we go inside?
Why are you putting water?
It's from Lourdes. You can have some of mine.
lan and Carl have moved out for the week, so it's just Barney and Liam.
- Are you OK sharing, Barn? - Mmm.
And you're in with me.
I'm not allowed to tell you God doesn't exist.
It's a chance to have a fresh start in a safe place.
A new life, a new identity.
Who would I be?
You'll just be the same only with a different name.
- How would anyone know me? - They wouldn't.
That's the point of the witness protection programme.
One of the robbers is on the run
and knows you're the only person who can identify him.
He will come after you.
I can't leave me girls. I'm responsible.
At least take measures to be incognito.
MOANING AND GROANING
I'll try me best, but you lads will look after me, won't you?
Aerobics. They're at it all hours.
...Don't cut me off! I need a chance to win it back.
Benny, listen, please, look, I'm good for it.
You know that.
- Bye, Lillian. - I'll call you back later. Bye.
Sorry, guys.
Come on, Sarge.
Ma'am! You'll call me Ma'am when I pass my exams.
Hark at Juliet Bravo!
Shut up! I'm better than her.
(Frank) They say you can't smoke inside,
you go outside, there's a sea of dimps everywhere, isn't there?
Don't drive your Chelsea tractor cos it's killing the polar bears.
But will they invest in public transport, eh?
Will they fuck!
40 minutes I'm delayed here.
Frank?
Oh!
Thought I'd grab a cuppa. Kill a bit of time.
Just when I'm beginning to take Gordon Brown personally,
silver lining walks through the door.
So...
what's your story, Rosie Buchan?
- Antiques. - Oh.
Nothing glamorous.
House clearances mainly.
Dead men's dressers. Widows' wardrobes.
It's the only way to make money in the antiques game up here. And you?
Well, I'm on a course at the moment.
Professional development.
Don't matter to me what you do.
The job don't make the man.
I've been on the dole so long they've sent me on a Restart course.
Well, like I say, that's not the man.
Married?
22 years.
Peter, tall and kind.
You'd like him.
And yourself?
Monica. Small and mental, as far as I can remember.
- (Frank)... You have to, don't you? - (Rosie) You do.
I feel bonded to the place. I've had loads of chances to leave Chatsworth
but it's in me blood.
What would I be if I went somewhere else? Some rootless bloke from nowhere.
So, house clearances.
That's the only way to make money, you said.
- Is that why you got into it? Antiques. - Wood.
And I don't mean like ash or beech or pine.
Though there is a lovely Canadian pine that oils up as smooth as silk.
(Frank) 'Under normal circumstances, wood, as a subject,
'would be about as interesting as life in a Filipino sweatshop.
'But when she spoke about it, when Rosie spoke,
'I wanted to take a run and jump inside that round, sweet, cunny-red mouth.'
You look about ten years old right now, Frank Gallagher!
A-hem! >
...Oh.
This is me.
I had a lovely journey home, Frank.
Yeah, me too.
See you.
Can I see you again?
I've got three days of auctions this week so I'll be on the same bus.
No, I mean, can I see you again?
You know, just spend time with you.
Please?
The cafe tomorrow. One o'clock?
Great, OK. See ya.
See ya.
'I imagined her going home to her husband Peter and telling him
'she met a nice bloke on the bus, bought him a brew and flashed her nipples at him.
'Deliberately or otherwise.
'And then, suddenly,
'I knew she wouldn't.
'I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she wouldn't.
'And at that moment,
'I got a tingling in me testicles that I hadn't felt since I was a teenager.'
Benny?
This ain't exactly inconspicuous.
In the gents' toilets.
- Benny? - (Patrick) Is this what it's come to?
Hanging around in piss-soaked men's rooms consorting with the likes of Benny the bookie?
< That ain't your business.
Where is he?
He's not coming. I'm here in his stead.
I bought up your debt, which, I suppose, does make it my business.
My arrangement's with Benny.
He considered you a bad risk.
So I took it over.
Paid 30p in a pound for the five-and-a-half grand you owe,
which by the way, is six as of tonight.
I haven't got it.
Then don't gamble.
It's a vice.
There are other ways to clear a debt.
Don't touch me!
HE SNORTS
Don't flatter yourself, little girl.
I prefer a little more meat on my bones.
Information, however, does have a certain value.
- No, I can't get involved with you. - Then pay up.
- Frank, love? - Mm?
Is everything all right?
< Yeah, couldn't be better.
Only... you seem a bit... keen.
Well, you know, got to commit to the course, ain't you?
Otherwise they're gonna cut your dole... Fascists.
You won't forget, will you?
Yeah, scan, hospital, five o'clock.
Any thoughts on names?
Rosie.
You know, if it's a girl!
Yeah, I like it.
< Miss ya!
Is everything all right?
I can't eat any of this stuff.
I don't do dairy and I've got an allergy to gluten.
Didn't seem to bother you yesterday.
You've got a lot of anger, Debbie.
I'm going to pray for you.
Your parents must have paid a fortune for this.
Shouldn't you go to museums and galleries?
I can look all that stuff up on the net.
And besides, it's not about the money.
At least, for me it's not.
(Debbie) What are you eating?
Custard butty. It's Barney's favourite. Don't want breakfast.
What have you done to your jeans? They're brand new.
They were square. DOOR OPENS
- Morning. - Hey, Shane.
Shane's going to show me where the Beatles grew up.
- In Manchester? - Yeah, in Manchester.
All right, Debs? How's it going?
LOUD CRASH
- What are you doing? - Couldn't get a bed, could I?
Was that Shane going off with Brandi?
(Shit!)
Don't know what they see in her. She's a Christian bitch from hell!
Well, it's amazing how far a tiny waist and long legs will get you in life.
Sorry I'm late. Was waiting on an item.
The bloody auctioneer held it till last.
That's all right. So long as you got here, you know?
Organic shampoo, soya milk, goat's cheese, tooth whitener.
Debbie, don't let them take the piss.
I have to make sure they feel at home otherwise no recommendation.
No recommendation means I don't get the cash this time
and I don't get repeat visitors next.
- Have you got a douche? - What the fuck's that?
It's a bottle with a flexible head for washing out down below.
Like a mouthwash for your fanny.
Where did you come from?
Crept in. Keeping a low profile.
Lillian. Lillian, we saw you.
I've got to get some shopping in.
I'm sure Yvonne will deliver in the circumstances.
You have to take this seriously, just till your court appearance.
Might be a problem.
First time I've ever won anything.
You might as well draw a target on your forehead.
Maybe he doesn't read the paper.
...Till she went back to him. More fool her.
DOOR SLAMS
- She asked. - (Brandi) Let me get this straight.
Your dad has eight kids with two different women,
though only seven of them are actually his.
Your mom is bisexual, but pregnant.
And you have one brother with a bastard daughter.
Not to mention the rest.
How did you expect to keep this a secret from the church?
Don't look so shocked.
If I weighed 300Ibs and had acne, you wouldn't have told me that stuff.
Debbie, I think you can wave goodbye to that recommendation.
I never planned for the future.
There didn't seem any point,
the way life sneaks up from behind and mugs you.
I feel different now.
It's hard to explain it.
Shh.
Something's happening, Frank.
I think it's already happened.
(Frank) 'There was no turning back.
'I'd fallen in love, deeper and harder than I ever thought possible.'
KNOCKS
Can we talk? >
Jesus threw the moneylenders out of the temple, Debbie.
He doesn't take kindly to people cashing in on his father's name.
I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Sorry that you did it, or because you got caught?
It was wrong. To you and Barney.
And to God.
Give me a chance to redeem myself, to earn forgiveness.
What would Jesus do, Brandi?
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
Rachmaninoff.
Oh. Bless you!
My daughter, Ellis. Had her early.
24 now, a lawyer in London.
Looks like you did a good job.
And you're about to become a dad all over again.
How long's she got?
About six months in, so...
not long.
Don't bother you,
being here with me?
You'd think it would, wouldn't you? It should, but...
Oh, God, no.
Nothing's ever felt more right than this.
(Frank) 'It was more than her humour,
'more than her magnificent bosom,
'more than the suspenders
'she wore beneath the respectable veil of her skirt.
'It was clarity, a brilliant sense of what could be.
'I aspired to Rosie.
'I hoped for Rosie.
'I dreamed of us.'
Yeah. I do understand, there ain't much point in having a car if you can't drive it,
but Frank is not available.
I don't want to learn with a stranger.
I could arrange for someone with a professional driving background,
but it would be a bit more expensive, mind.
- Up front, of course? - Yeah.
What?
(Norma) Get to the side of the road! Just get to the side of the road, man!
Slow down! Just slow down!
RECORD CRACKLES
PANTING
You know, that's the first time I've fucked sober in 20 years.
It's the first time I've fucked and meant it since I were a girl.
Oh, I love you, Rosie Buchan.
I love you, Frank Gallagher.
You don't know what I'm like.
I've made a lot of mistakes.
So? We all have.
All that matters is now.
(Frank) 'And now was good.
'It was the fucking best.
'A whole future was opening up in front of me,
'freedom, lightness, happiness.
'There was the small matter
'of my eight existing children and my heavily-pregnant wife,
'but apart from all that, everything seemed so simple.'
Bless us, oh Lord, for these thy gifts that we are about to receive.
Carl, wait! We're saying grace.
And these thy gifts which we are about to receive from our bounty,
through Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.
I feel a bit nauseous. Morning sickness.
Liam?
Manners.
May I be excused from the table?
Of course.
She's gone mental!
Who?
Debbie. She's well gone God squad.
No, she hasn't. She's trying to keep Brandi sweet.
I don't think so. She says she's taking me for confession later on.
I'm only eight, what have I got to confess?
It's all a load of crap, anyway. Brandi's lying through her teeth.
- How do you mean? - I've read her diary.
She's been grounded for six months at home
because she keeps sneaking off with boys to go drinking and taking ecstasy.
And she has sex with boys all the time in cars.
She's just pretending to be holy.
Vincent Timoney.
It's all there.
So that's us even now, right?
Boys?
Meet Vinny.
What?
- How did you? - We've known about Vinny for some time,
been with us since last week, in fact. >
So why did you want me to get information?
I understand you're sitting your sergeant's exam in the near future.
Sure-fire fast-track to CID for a girl of your age.
It would be very useful for me to have a friend inside CID.
- Just till you work off your debt, of course. - My debt is cleared!
What makes you think that a name we already had is valued at £6,500?
Six?
Now don't you worry yourself about silly little things like money.
Just focus your energies on passing that exam and I'll look after you.
A sergeant's not just for Christmas, you know?
Off you... pop.
MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY IN HEADPHONES
LOCK CLICKS, SHUFFLING
MUSIC BLARES FROM SPEAKERS
MILK BOTTLE TINKLES
MUSIC BLARES, RINGING TONE ON PHONE
Hello, sorry I'm late.
I had a couple of pints with the blokes off the course.
Since when did you have a couple of pints?
You're sober.
Yeah, well, you're always on the clock, aren't you? Networking.
On a restart course?
It's a boy, by the way.
Oh, fuck!
A boy? Really?
Or a girl.
I didn't have the scan. >
I waited outside the hospital for you for 50 minutes.
But when you didn't come I went inside
and they'd cancelled the appointment!
SHE SOBS
I'm sorry, I just got caught up.
I could have taken Norma.
She's volunteered to be me birth partner
hundreds of times but I really did think you were interested!
I am.
- Look, we'll reschedule. - No. They haven't got another slot
until I'm seven-and-a-half months gone.
And they won't do it then!
SHE SOBS LOUDLY
(Frank) 'Dear Monica.
'Dear, spoiled, up-the-duff Monica.
'You're the only one in the world who could understand.
'As it is, you're the only one in the world I can never tell.
'I know I'm hurting you, and I'm sorry.
'But I've got no choice.'
(Norma) Jesus!
So I had the police round, you know? That nice young one.
Stay in the road! Look where you're going!
That's enough, that's enough, now stop!
Stop! Stop the car!
THUNK!
- Are you all right, love? - Fuck!
- Have we finished? - Oh, Jesus!
Yes, Lillian! Oh...!
We have finished permanently!
Fine, I'll teach meself!
She's coming.
That's settled, then. We'll head out about four.
What's happening at four?
We're going to the... Christian youth group.
Every week on the estate.
Talk about the Bible.
And... do activities.
Christian activities.
Come if you want.
Suit yourself.
(Rosie) 'Have you ever been? '
Paris? No, no.
I'm sure I will though, one day. Have you?
Frank? >
Hi, Norma.
What you doing?
I'm Norma.
Sorry... Yeah, Norma...
- (Norma) I'm a friend of the family. - Rosie.
So what you doing here then?
I was just at the hospital getting me nose sorted.
So how's the course going, Frank?
Great, yeah. Just private reading now.
You don't need to explain to me. I'm not your keeper.
Yeah, I know, I'm just...
It's very nice to meet you.
Right, yeah, catch you later, Norma.
(Frank) 'It was the beginning of the end.'
Begin.
Been sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong again?
Frank in late again last night?
Uh-huh.
You're all right about it?
Course I am.
You're not even curious.
No. Norma, I'm not curious, not even a little bit.
< And I would really prefer it if you weren't curious, either.
Fair enough.
I love you.
You love me.
The rest is just, you know, stuff. I won't let this interfere.
We can't pretend the real world in't there.
Well, who gets to decide what's real and what isn't?
I want this to be real!
You know, Norma can take Monica back.
Peter's a grown lad, he'll look after himself.
No, he can't.
Yes, he can, we've got our own life!
Frank, Peter has pre-senile dementia.
What?
He's in a nursing home.
Temporary until...
I can't leave him.
I would never leave him. He needs me.
I need you.
It doesn't mean it's over between us. We can carry on as we've been doing.
Oh, what, sneaking around?
Hiding on buses, drinking bad tea?
- It's better than nothing. - Well, I don't think it is, Rosie.
I can't!
All my fucking life, just scraps from the table, not now!
Not the distance that we've come. Don't you understand?
I am not the same man that I was a few days ago!
What are you saying?
I'm...
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
I'm saying that it's all or nothing.
I can't.
So, what do I do, then?
Nothing.
Oh.
I didn't want to say but...
we've got this chance of a place in a nursing home down on the south coast.
Oh, fuck! No!
Well, that's where Peter's from, it's familiar to him.
I think we should take it.
Let me travel back on the bus with you tonight, one last time.
(Frank) 'So that was it, the love of my life
'scuppered by a bloke who doesn't know if it's Tuesday or Norway.
'And all through that final shag
'I kept thinking, "Don't come, don't come, make it last".'
Margaret Thatcher.
Vanessa Feltz.
Gordon Brown.
Gordon Brown shagging Vanessa Feltz.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck!
HEAVY BREATHING, PANTING
'Fucking hair trigger.
'And that was it.
'The end.
'Anything else would have been a slow death.'
We're not supposed to drink alcohol.
Jesus did, didn't he? Turned water into wine and stuff.
Anyhow, Thessalonians 5:21 says, "Test all things
"and hold firmly that which is good."
LOUD DANCE MUSIC
I failed the exam.
The idea of being in your pocket for the rest of my days
seemed to dent my ambition.
I'm very disappointed.
But maybe not as much as you should be.
Interest rates these days can be... crippling.
CHOPPING
MOANING AND GRUNTING >
Oh, oh! Oh, yeah! >
I'm gonna come. >
...One minute! >
What's going on?
Whoo! Yee-hey! >
It's not funny! This is my room!
All right, Debs?
Carl, you are such a creep.
All that holy stuff's an act.
If she gets a good report from here, her parents won't force her to stay at home.
They want her to go to a local college, she wants to move away.
Liam said something about a party school.
I won't tell if you don't.
Call it evens, yeah?
(Frank) 'We barely spoke on the bus.
'Just wanted to hold on to every last moment.'
Frank, you know what's really special about you?
Fuck me, now I know I'm slumming it.
All right, Mimi?
Who's your friend?
Rosie, Mimi.
Hiya. What's that town like?
I got fucking clamped in Deansgate. Cheek of it.
I was only in the salon half-an-hour.
Lost me purse, had to borrow the fucking bus fare.
Who was it said if you travel on public transport after the age of 30,
< your life's been a failure? And I tell you what,
< have you seen the price of getting your legs waxed these days? Unbelievable.
Failed? You were a dead cert, what happened?
It was harder than I thought, all right? Can we just leave it?
(Radio) 'AII units, attention requested to Briston Grove.
'IC1 male reported acting suspicious.'
Shit, that's near Lillian's.
SIREN WAILS
(Mimi) You can take your skin buffers, your face tonics and exfoliaters
and stick them up your arse.
My Paddy can get me that.
Buckshee, 69 quid a bottle!
Must think I was born yesterday.
BELL RINGS
Come on, Frank, this is us.
(Mimi) Nice to meet ya.
...Not much of a conversationalist, is she, your mate?
Jesus, Frank! Did you take a bath in Old Spice?
Whatever happened to the days when public transport smelt of piss and tobacco?
God Almighty!
(Frank) 'And that was the last time I saw her.
'Into the sunset and out of my life.
'My heart sank like a condemned man through the hangman's trap door.'
Come on, Barney!
All this for a week in a caravan in Filey.
You're mental, Debbie.
Howay!
Right.
LILLIAN YELLS
What you doing?!
Argh!
TYRES SQUEAL, GLASS SMASHES
POLICE SIREN WAILS
What are the chances of that?
< I'm choking, I can't breathe.
Try and relax. Try and relax.
(Frank) 'Thought I was too old to get blind-sided,
'but I suppose that's the ugly beauty of the divine sense of humour.
'AII our ifs, buts and maybes, I mean, the sun still rises,
'politicians still lie.
'City continue to break my heart.
'I'm just one man.
'What the fuck do I matter? '
Frank?
What?
Whatever dream you had,
weren't a very happy one, were it?
No.
You've been a long, long way away.
Thanks for coming back to us.
But just a heads up -
if you ever consider anything like that ever again,
I personally will neuter you like the mangy tom that you are.
Hm. SHE SIGHS
'And just like that,
'me and Rosie and the tale of our brief encounter was history.'
LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS
Liam! >
MUSIC STOPS